Why it's hard to date an Independent Woman?

[cc. Elite daily]

She isn't spending her life trying to find a guy because her life is busy enough without one. But that also doesn't mean she isn't open to dating... and that's where the problem lies.

The independent woman isn't against finding someone in her life, the only thing is, it's not the center of her world, and that makes guys annoyed.

She can put off a vibe that says she's not taking dating seriously enough, which can end up turning many away.

1. Guys get super intimidated by you.

You feel like you're constantly looking for someone who'll have enough confidence in himself to realize you're not a threat. Sadly, these types of guys are few and far between.

2. You're constantly torn between wanting company and alone time.

When you're an independent women, you get to relish your time alone.

But when you're dating someone you're really into, you kind of want company... and that makes you really confused.

You want to sometimes be taken care of because it's been so long, but you also LOVE the time you get to spend with yourself.

3. You come across as cold.

You don't like to get too clingy because if someone was too clingy with YOU, it would just drive you away.

You want a guy who has his own hobbies and interests, who can challenge you and make you mad, but will also treat you right.

You're very invested in fulfilling your own interests and making sure you're still doing all the things that make you "you." Because of this, you come across as really cold sometimes.

You get annoyed when your guy doesn't see the need for girls' night or working late, and this makes your guy think he isn't important enough for you.

4. You can't find someone who meets your standards.

You're picky. And honestly, why shouldn't you be?

Forever is a long time, and if you're gonna be stuck with someone for that long, you definitely shouldn't settle.

The independent woman has a long list of traits she wants in a boyfriend because that's just the way her life works: She has ambitions when it comes to everything... and yes, that includes love.

Falling for an independent girl means you have to be on your A-game at all times. Sadly, most guys just aren't ready for that kind of pressure.

5. You're genuinely really busy.

You will never forget you had a full life before you met the guy you're seeing, and so, you're always busy.

This makes scheduling date time really hard. You know you have your weekly girls' night every Friday, and you now have to fit in date night somewhere too.

This makes you super stressed because you don't know whether you're making the right call when it comes to balancing all these different facets of your life. Not to mention, you're now always exhausted.

6. You get stuck making all the decisions.

Guys get lazy being around you because you're basically the HBIC.

You know what you want, and you're used to doing everything for yourself. So, guys just continue letting you do that.

Being an independent girl looking for love gets so stressful because you need someone who'll understand both your need for romance and your need for everything else. Finding that guy takes a ton of time, effort and patience, and that makes it tough to stay positive.

But honestly, it's not like you don't have enough to keep yourself busy while you're on the lookout.

Death is as Beautiful as Life

🌻Death is as beautiful as Life..
So please don't cry when she die.
Do you remember her smile when she was alive?
It's the same smile she's wearing when she die.

Death is not scary,
It has its own beauty.
Life is a journey.
With so much things to carry.

Why it's so beautiful?
She feel so wonderful!
O God, she love to live!
But she's also not scared of death.

Her eyes cannot deny.
Those eyes cannot lie.
Everything feels so light..
Everything seems so right..

 "Death is as beautiful as Life"
She said..🌻

Dear: My Future Children

🌻Lately I've been constantly thinking about you;
I want you to know that I'm working hard because of you
I'm so worried not to be successful enough, not for me but always for you
I'm so scared to fail, because whatever my results will be pass on you

I want you to live, real freely
Go and travel the world!
Find your passion, seek for peace & humanity
Live the life you want to be

Don't worry about me, I'm prepared
I have everything i need
I want you to focus only on yourself, on your dreams, your goals! Do it!
Aim it all! Get it all!

Fall inlove with the nature,sunset & sea
Take care of any living creatures & the people
Be responsible to our world
Don't get pressured by this human's timeline
Find your purpose, choose your belief at anytime

I am here,just here to guide you
I will always be on your side to give you advice
Whenever you gets lost & confuse
I'll stand next & behind you

I may not be able to be with you in your whole lifetime
But i know i can prepare you everything now to step in

The current people now in this world are contaminated by the system
It's too late for our change
But at least i want to do something for you now until i have time
I will cut this chain of poverty in my line
Pass it to your future children and of our next generations.

I want you to know, 
I will not fail you..

 Love: Your future Mom,🌻

Keep Going ➡️

While I'm on my way home from work, I came up with this new topic of "Keep Going". A common phrase but has a thousand of meaning from different sides and mindset.

Yes! We must always keep going! The world will never stop for anybody.
I don't believe in "New life, New beginning", because for me "Life is a continuous Journey", it doesn't restart from zero, but start from experience, it doesn't stop, and it doesn't end unless we are dead.

In the last quarter of my 2019, i let go of myself, & made some decisions that change my days & dailys'~☆ 

♡Having Elias🐾 in my life, made a huge impact to me, he's the foundation of everything i am now and how i continue & keep going. He kept me busy in all responsibility, he made me happy  when i couldn't even smile for awhile. I love him, i hope he knows it.🐶 

♡Going back to sketching yey🥳 it's been like 4years when was the last time i sketch, it feels great to touch my pencil again,  feels like a drugs when i start shading..
That feelings while drowning myself in a full volume of music at 3am!✏ 

♡Music🎶 most of us loves music but learning it is like going deeper of all our senses, I'm trying to hear more of music now, trying to understand it. I'm taking a guitar lesson as it was one of my greatest dream to try since teenage, and yess!I'm learning it🤗  Unexpectedly it's  teaching me to be calm and patient too (little did people  knows, I'm so clumsy and careless, always in hurry and can't sit or steady 🤭😅) With the help of a very patient maestro! more patients to come~🎸😄

♡I run an online website geared towards my emotional journey as a young OFW, yes i have blogs!🤭 i started writing on 2013, then decided to share it online by 2015 using blogspot.com. I became inactive for years, though i still write some poems on my notes somehow.. this last quarter i released 3 blogs in a row😆(such as: Art of Pain, She, & It's Okey)..my goal this year is to write moreee..more of it!🖋📖 

♡I'm dancing again!!💃🏻🔥 nothing to explain, nothing to say. Every movement is a message in a form of poem and rhythmn. Be sure that dancing will always have place in my life no matter what🥰 It will always be my first💃🏻🎶

♡I keep my love in Photography📸 I'm back in clicks! I don't know somehow, whenever i see something that catches my eyes, i randomly take photo of it & believe me it feels satisfied when i got the shots that i want👌🏻 

♡I will do 1 last cosplay this year, It's time to let go of this magical world of Cosplay, it's been fun and amazing memories to keep!🦸🏻‍♀️ 

♡Yes i play online games! NOT A PRO though haha🤣 i think as long as we're having fun, and has a control, it's never a waste of time 🎮😉 

♡I got my first Ink! Yea💪🏻Semicolon + music note is a reminder to me that I'm stronger than i was before. Never let a tattoo define you, because every tattoo has a story and i have mine🎶[; ] 

♡Someone once said "everyone should be free!" It got stucked in my mind..and yess I'm flying! 🦅 i want to travel more this year, let's go!✈ 

♡I'm spending more time now with my friends & family, i'm enjoying it! It's true! I'm really loving myself more🥰🥰
I like me better now!🔥👌🏻🎶🎨🐾💃🏻😎

It's Okey...

"Let me tell you something about living:

It's okey to live... go and live!

It's okey to be happy,

   be sad and get mad.

It's okey to feel it so bad!

It's okey to give and forgive

It's okey to take and make mistake

   get lost and find yourself back

It's okey! Don't feel bad!

It's okey to cry and try,

Laugh out loud and cry under your pillow.

It's okey to feel the pain,

   be broken and get your healing.

It's okey to feel it over and over again.

It's okey! Why are you thinking?..

It's okey to feel everything.

It's okey to love and be love again.

It's okey to show your feelings to anyone.

It's okey! What are you worrying about?..

It's okey to ask question and give answers.

It's okey to appreciate and treat people good.

It's okey to dream and create your goal.

It's okey! What are you waiting for??

It's okey to explore and draw.

It's okey to try something new.

It's okey to express and feel release.

It's okey, You are free!

It's okey to believe in forever.

It's okey to give everything to yourself more than other.

It's okey to make yourself feel better. 

It's okey! believe me,there's no limit to dare!

It's okey to tell what you wanna say,

    And it's okey to just pass the day

It's okey to live with nothing, 

    And it's okey to have everything. 

It's okey to eat and it's okey to be fit.

It's okey! What are you scared of? Or who?..

Listen carefully, hear me out!

You are free!!

Life will happen just once,

so go and don't miss a chance!

It's okey to live...

Experience life...

Taste life...

Feel the life..touch it..hear it.

Go and live.

Just live.

Life is exhausting, but then again...

Life is good.

She...

She...
Ngumingiti na sya ulit
Yung ngiting hindi na pilit.
Tumatawa na sya muli,
Yung tawang hindi kunwari.

She...
She finally love herself again!
And she get back from pain.
It's true! Something is healing inside her.
Something is smiling like for the first time this year.

She...
Ibang iba ang pakiramdam nya.
Totoong masaya na sya!
Ligayang hindi kita ng iba.
Pero damang-dama nya.

She...
She can't deny it anymore,
She love herself more than before.
Her world is not the same any longer,
How she wish to share it to people aaround her.

She...
Kitang kita sa kanyang mga mata,
Totoong mahal na nya ang sarili nya!
Mas kaya na nyang harapin ang bukas.
Kahit gaano pa kalalim ang sugat na bumabakas.

She...
She did everything to pick herself up.
She gave everything to herself without limit.
She let go everything to feel herself again.
She face it all! All that pain.

She...
Oo,minsan umiiyak pa din sya,
At hindi nya yun ikinakaila.
Pero kaya na nya!
Mas kayang kaya na nya.

Because She...
She's happy,hurting and healing at the same time.
Don't ask how...
She just did it & She's doing it.

-Ren-

Try

"You're going to have to fight,
It will take time and
it's going to cost you
much more than you could ever imagined.
However the opposition,
take not one step back,
when the dust clears and
the battle is finally finished.
You will truly smile,
for the first time in years..."

[zootopia]

I messed up I lost another fight I still mess up but I'll just start again I keep falling down I keep on hitting the ground I always get up now to see what's next Birds don't just fly They fall down and get up Nobody learns without getting it won I won’t give up, no I won’t give in Till I reach the end And then I’ll start again Though I’m on the lead I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail I won’t give up, no I won’t give in Till I reach the end And then I’ll start again No I won't leave I wanna try everything I wanna try even though I could fail Look how far you've come You filled your heart with love Baby you've done enough that cut your breath Don't beat yourself up Don't need to run so fast Sometimes we come last but we did our best I'll keep on making those new mistakes I'll keep on making them every day Those new mistakes

Try everything......

Pag-Ibig

*Originally written on September 2016.

"Lahat naman tayo gustong makita yung true love natin.
 Kahit naman sino siguro gusto ng happily ever after.
 Tiyagaan lang talaga ng paghihintay at patatagan sa lahat ng sakit na mararanasan.
 Ikaw?.. hanggang kelan mo kayang maghintay? hanggang saan mo kayang maglakbay?"


Sa Pag-ibig, merong... "pagmahal ka, babalikan ka"..
                     meron ding... "True love waits"..
                         merong.. "hahamakin ang lahat masunod ka lamang"..
                                at meron ding... "Pag-ibig na hindi ko man hanapin dudulog, lalapit kung talagang akin".
       Mga kasabihang iisa ang pinuponto kundi "Pag-ibig", mga kasabihang oo, totoo..pero kokonti ang kayang manindigan.
       Sa Pag-ibig, may kanya kanya tayong kwento at gulo ng scenario.
               may komplikado, may hindi kontento, may nagtatagal, may naghihiwalay, may nagsisimula at meron ding malapit nang magsawa.
       Paulit-ulit lang noh? parang gulong na walang ginawa kundi umikot nang umikot, at kahit ma-flat.. pilit pa ring bubumbahan para umikot lang at
               umikot lang ulet.

Sa kwento ng tunay na Pag-ibig.... merong true love na bata pa lang nakilala mo na, meron ding matagal bago mo pa makita.
Merong ........ pinagtagpo na nang tadhana pero takot pang harapin, takot pang mahalin.

Merong ........ Hindi pa pinagtatagpo pero pareho nang handa at naghihintay na lang kung kelan sila magkikita.

Merong ......... parehas nang nasaktan at parehas nang iniwan kaya't takot nang magmahalan.

Merong ......... Kaibigan mo lang pala, hindi mo pa makita.

Merong ......... anjan na, hawak na nila ang isa't isa pero naghahanap pa ng iba.

Merong .......... akala nila, sila na..pero hindi pa pala.

Merong .......... naghihintay, meron ding nagkakasawaan.

Merong .......... kunyari walang pakialam pero kung mag-alala daig pang magulang.

Merong .......... unang kita pa lang alam na nilang sila, at meron din namang nagkita nga pero huli na.

Merong ........ pilit pinaglalaban na parang ang buong mundo'y gusto na nilang takasan.

Merong ........ sobrang saya at ayaw nang pakawalan ang isa't-isa. Meron din namang sobrang tagal na pero alam nilang hindi na sila masaya.

Merong ....... sa simula kaibigan, hanggang matapos kaibigan pa rin??! (manhind lang ??!! -_-||)

Merong ....... kasama  na sa mga options mo, kelangan mo na lang I-select.. and P.S: seryosohin mo na please!!

Merong ....... pilit nagseset nang standard, just another way para sabihing, "sana maging ganto ka para mahalin na kita". (Panu kung hindi? iiwan mo rin ba?)

Merong ....... nagbubulag-bulagan kasi ayaw magkasakitan, pero hindi nila alam na mas Lalo silang nasasaktan sa mga panahong nagpapanggap silang walang pakialam.

Merong ....... patuloy na naghihintay at meron ding patuloy na nagmamahal kahit ilang beses pa silang magkamali at masaktan.

Merong ........ ayaw ng commitment at konteto sa tamang landi... pero panu kung matagpuan mo na ang taong para sa'yo? lalandi ka pa ba ? o this time you're ready to commit na.

Merong ....... pinagtagpo na noon pero mali pa ang panahon, hanggang pagtagpuin muli sila sa pangalwang pagkakataon... pakakawalan nyo pa ba ang isa't isa at aasang sana'y may susunod pa?? o hahawakan mo na sya at sasabihing "Akin ka na!"

Merong ........ mahal mo na pero nagdadalwang isip ka kasi hindi sya yung pinapangarap mong tulad ng iba.

Merong ........ nagmamadali kaya nagkamali.

Merong ........ pigil na pigil pero gigil na gigil... holding them back dahil sa pride na pumipigil sa kanilang damdamin.

Merong ....... ayaw makipagsapalaran dahil pakiramdam nila putcho putcho sila kumpara sa mga minahal nya sa nakaraan.

Meron din namang... hindi nagpatumpik tumpik pa at sinigurado nang para sila sa isa't isa.. walang kokontra!..

          Lahat naman tayo umaasang sana sya na, na sana matagpuan nyo na ang isa't isa at sana wag nang pakawalan pa.
          Maraming pwedeng maging scenario ng istorya mo at ikaw din naman ang bubuo ng sariling kwento mo.
          Madali lang namang intindihin ang nararamdaman... kailangan mo lang pagdesisyunan.

    Kahit saang angulo tingnan at kahit gaano pa kagulo ang nararamdaman....
    Sa huli, PAG-IBIG pa rin ang tawag jan!..

Financial mistakes

cc: imoney.ph

1. You keep on waiting for Salary to come in. "Keep Calm & waiting for salary day" It is five days away from payday and you are surviving with a few pesos for food and transportation every day. Whereas when you received your salary, you spend it with getting expensive coffee and buying all the things that you don’t need. Heck you don’t even budget. 2. You Don’t Have a Savings Account No! A payroll account does not count. It is essential for everyone to have a savings account for them to create their emergency fund. Experts claim an emergency fund should have at least 3-6 months’ worth of income to cope with emergencies or unexpected changes. The emergency fund is used when your car suddenly breaks down or you have to pay the hospital a visit due to an illness or worse because you quit or lost your job, or you have to pay your mortgage, you will need this money to take care of your expenses. People in financial mess do not have emergency funds so they borrow money for such cases, they take a loan or cash advance, therefore incurring more debt. 3. Unable to Pay Credit Card Bills Worse is if you only pay the minimum on each of your credit card bill. You could be saddled with credit card debt for 5 years, or even 10 for that purchase you made recently. And if your answer to your financial woes is to apply for another credit card because what you have are maxed-out, or near their credit limit, then you undoubtedly are headed to a financial crisis! 4. You Rely on your Parents When It gets Rainy The worst thing about not having money during emergencies is asking money to cover for those emergencies. And most of the time, we ask Mom and Dad if they can lend us money, nothing is wrong with that – all of us did that for at least 18 years but if you are working for more than a year now how can you ever pay them back for the money you owe them? 5. You are not even thinking about your retirement. How about your retirement? You may be young but this is the perfect time to think of your retirement fund. When your retirement plans involve winning the lotto, then you’re in trouble. Some people spend money buying lotto tickets hoping that a windfall will come their way to cover their retirement.

Bottom line If you somehow find yourself in any of the above situation, it’s not too late to learn the art of delaying gratification. Self-control is your best bet. If you can’t afford it, wait until you have enough cash to pay for it. If you are a young professional without any dependents, it wouldn’t be impossible to set aside even just P1,000 as your monthly savings. How do you do that? Start keeping track of your expenses which should never exceed your income. List down where you spend your money on a given month and see which portions you can cut back. If only you would limit your booze or think twice before getting that new iPhone, you would have saved a lot already! Learn how to budget and live within your means to avoid financial disasters!

The Art of Pain...

Wala akong magawa kundi bumaluktot at umiyak sa kama… Wala akong magawa kundi ang sumigaw habang pinipigil ng mga unan ang aking palahaw…. Wala akong magawa kundi tangapin ang lahat at tanungin ang sarili "kelan matatapos ang sakit?".. Wala akong magawa kundi lunurin ang sarili sa malulungkot na awit kasabay ng humihikbing mga labi.. Wala akong magawa kundi sisihin ko ang sarili! Magalit! Malungkot! Matakot at kaawaan ang sarili.

Anung pwede kong gawin???

Dahil ang hirap pilitin, ni hindi  na kayang pangitiin..
Anung pwede kong gawin?
Sa mga matang namumugto na tila ba hindi na muling tatawa pa..
Anung pwede kong gawin ? Nang maibsan kahit konti lang ang sakit na aking nararamdaman..
Anung pwede kong gawin? Anu? Pakiusap sabihin mo!

Dahil buong gabing mulat ang aking mga mata,at tila ba hindi na ako humihinga..
Nakahiga sa aking kama, nakatulala at parang hindi kayang bumangon pa.
Walang tigil sa pagtakbo ang pag-iisip. Ang sakit!
Na Parang dinudurog ang aking puso at utak hanggang wala na itong maramdaman pa! Ang sakit!
Ngunit wala akong magawa kundi ang dumaing!
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin!...

Binalikan ko ang mga pangyayari.
Hindi ko malilimutan, nanginiginig ang aking buong katawan, naninikip ang aking dibdib,  at hindi ko alam kung paano at ano ba ang dapat kong gawin.
Bumuhos ang aking mga luha kasabay ng aking paglaban at kunyaring nagtatapang tapangan.
Tinuloy ko ang aking trabaho ngunit ilang sandali'y hindi ko na napigil, ako'y napatakbo palayo at napaluhod sa sobrang panghihina ng aking mga tuhod.
Bakit? Paano? Mga tanong sa aking sarili.
Anung gagawin ko sa sakit na dulot mo? Sabihin mo, nakikiusap ako!

Magnanakaw!!... Nagpapakapagod sa walang Katapusang laban!

 Sinasabi Nya, " Ihinto ang labanan, Ako ang Dios, dapat ninyong malaman, kataas-taasan sa buong sanlibuta'y pinakadakila".

Magdadalwang taon nakong nagtatrabaho abroad,
nagpapakapagod at nagpapakadalubhasa sa buhay ko dito sa mundong to.
Nagpapakabusy, inuubos ang oras sa trabaho at FB,
ngunit natatapos ang araw ko na parang walang satisfaction kundi puro pagod ang bukambibig:
"ayoko na! pagod na ko!" pero buong araw pa ring nagtatrabaho…

Bawat segundong lumipas ay segundong nakakalimot ako sa Panginoon Dios.
"Hassle!, hectic sched! back to back duty! split shift!, 4hours na tulog, non-stop operations,
dito umiikot ang bawat araw ko sa buong linggo...
na para bang hinihintay ko na lang na araw ay matapos at lumubog
Sa panahon na lumipas, hindi ko namalayang araw ay kumaripas,
mga araw na wala ako sa presensya ng Panginoon…ayun at nagwawakas.

 Nanakaw na!! nanakaw na nga ng trabaho kong toh ang mga oras,
araw na dapat sa Kanya ko tinutuon.
"Teka lang! hinay hinay lang, ihinto muna ang laban!"
"Ako naman! Ako'y iyong pakinggan"
"Ako ang pinakadakila, Hari ng mga hari, Kataas-taasan sa buong sanlibutan!"
"Ngunit Ako rin ay iyong Ama, na walang hangad kundi ang yong kabutihan".

Ama, kailanman hindi Ka nawalan ng tiwala sakin,
palagi Mong sinasabi na kaya ko, alalay lang,
lagi Mong pinapaalala sakin na anjan Ka lang
at hinding-hindi mo ako iiwan,
lagi Mong pinapaalam sakin na yung mga blessings na binibigay Mo, lahat yun ay deserved ko
kaya sabi Mo "just received it, be grateful for it and hide it in your heart".
"Mananakaw ang lahat ng mundong toh, ngunit hindi ang pag-ibig Ko sayo".

(originally written on 2014)

Wala na, Okey na

wala na, okey na

ayos na to, pwede na

okey na di na'ko magising pa

tapos na, talo na...

wala na, okey na talaga ko

wala nang nararamdaman ang puso

maging ang utak ay wala na ring laman

totoong wala talaga akong nararamdaman,

walang wala na, okey na okey na

hindi ako malungkot ni hindi rin masaya

oo, totoo, wala akong maramdaman

na parang batong tinapakan.

wala na, okey na

iiwan ko na, bibitawan ko na...

lahat ng pangarap at plano

tuluyan nang maglalaho.

wala na, ubos na ang oras..

kahit pa kumaripas,

mga pangarap na binuo ng musmos,

unti-unti nang nauubos.

wala na, pagod na, 

wag nang pilitin pa

mga planong takot na takot akong mabigo,

heto ngayo't punong puno ng dugo.

wala na, wala nang pag-asa

hindi na kaya,

kahit galingan ko pa,

talagang talo na..

wala na, tapos na...

pwede na kong magpahinga.

-Ren-

"Fading Memories"

"I can't remember....
How is it again??"

How my papa laugh??
       is it still loud or maybe it's quite now?
Is my mama still walking too fast?
      or maybe she learned to walk slowly now?
And how's my Ate pangga's joke?
       is it still funny or maybe it's korny now? :D
How is it again??...
       I'm begging, to remember it all again.

By the way, how old is my brother now?
        I think he's turning 13 this year, no! he's 14 or maybe 15 already??
Is my lola still soooooooo strict?
        but I heard she turned sweet now.. ;)
And lolo? do you still swim in deep?
         or you're getting tired already?
why it seems i'm like an old that forgetting everything?
          I barely can't remember even one thing....

What's the color of our home this year?
         the last time i remember it's peach, is it blue now?
I think the living room is green? or is it in my bedroom?
         or maybe in kitchen too?
Are they still waking up so early? like.. before sunrise?
         and probably still having a second breakfast? :D
What time they're having lunch again?
         is the dinner still getting ready at seven?

How is it again???...

"When memories are fading...and i can do nothing"

Their laugh? their stories? their reactions?
How they sing & dance? their sleep?
How is their sundays?

How is it again???...
My white dog? our tricycle? the videoke?
the sand....the sea...trees..cows...rosters...the neighbors...relatives...and friends???
How is it all now??

Did i missed a lot of things about them?
How is it again??!!...How is it??!!
Coz my memories are fading.....
I just want to feel & remember everything
once again...just once again!

Buhay na Puno ng Pag-asa at Pangarap...

HOPE  ♥  FAITH  ♥  LOVE  ♥  HOPE  ♥  FAITH  ♥  LOVE  ♥  HOPE  ♥  FAITH  ♥  LOVE

Sapagkat batid kong lubos ang mga plano Ko para sa'yo; mga planong hindi ninyo ikakasama kundi para sa inyong ikabubuti. Ito'y mga planong magdudulot sa inyo ng kinabukasang punong puno ng pag-asa

"Punong-puno ako ng pangarap sa buhay, pangarap na magkaroon ng malakig bahay na may magagandang gamit, Coffee shop na sikat at maasenso, isang young entrepreneur, makapag-aral ng fine arts sa Italy kasabay ng pagkakaroon ko ng sariling Art Gallery, ang pangarap na makapag-bakasyon kami ng buong pamilya ko sa isang magarang resort, magkaroon ng kyut na mabalahibong aso, magagandang damit at sapatos, pangarap na mabilhan ko si papa ng kotse, si mama ng gintong palamuti at mamahaling bag para kay ate pangga, nangarap din akong maging fashion model at designer, maging pastry chef, photographer o isang event planner & organizer... Ang dami dami kong pangarap sa buhay, maliliit man o malalaki, impossible man o kayang tuparin.. mga sarili kong plano na walang katiyakan kung matutupad ko nga ba ang lahat ng ito sa kinabukasan ko. Ngunit ang lahat ng ito ay isinuko ko na sa Panginoon at ipinagkatiwala tanging sa Kanya.

(c) NonaMah |Photography

Ang Akala ko'y tunay ko nang isinuko sa Dios ang mga pangarap kong ito, pero bakit palagi pa rin akong nag-aalala, natatakot na baka hindi ako magtagumpay at ...mabigo? Sa t'wing maiisip ko ang dami at laki ng mga pangarap ko sa buhay, naiiyak ako sa takot at pag-aalala na panu kung matalo at mabigo ako? panu kung magkamali ako?, panu kung hindi ko matupad lahat ng ito? panu ko kakayaning tanggapin ang kabiguan ng mga pngarap ko?.. Mga katanungang laging gumugulo sa isipan ko, nagpapaiyak at nagpapabigat sa kalooban ko. Nung araw na sinabi at sinuko ko sa Dios ang lahat ng ito, ang akala ko'y ganun na lang kadali yun, akala ko basta't sabihin ko lang sa Kanya at ipagkatiwala ay OK na! at matutupad na ang lahat!.. Ngunit hindi pala, dahil nun palang pala magsisimula ang lahat. Araw-araw akong sinusubok ng Panginoon, kung gaano kalalim ang pananampalataya ko sa Kanya at kung hanggang saan ko kayang ipagkatiwala ang lahat sa Kanya, hanggang saan nga ba? Sa mga araw na nabibigo at nagkakamali ako, napapagod at nahihirapan, agad akong humihingi ng saklolo sa Kanya at sa mga araw na pinagpapala ako ng lubos, umaapaw naman ang pasasalamat ko sa Kanya.

(c) TrafalgarLaw |Photography

Lumipas ang maraming araw na hindi ko na mabilang, biglang nakakaramdam ako na para bang ako'y nawawala, na parang ang Dios ay lumalayo na sa akin. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang init ng Presensya Nya o kahit manlang panlalamig..wala, wala akong maramdaman. Sinusubukan kong manalangin ngunit hindi pumasok ang spiritual being ko. Bigat na bigat ako, pagod na pagod at palaging nagaalala sa bukas. Palagi akong nananabik na isang umaga, magising akong muli sa bisig ng Panginoong Dios na yakap yakap ako nang buong pagpapatawad sa lahat ng mga pagkukulang ko. Ngunit wala... ako'y sadyang nawala at hirap na hirap nang bumalik sa dating punong puno ng pag-asa at pangarap.

But then the day came! ang araw na pinanabikan ko, nang muli akong magkaroon ng pagkakataon na umattend ng church service.. bumuhos ang luha ko, ako'y nanghina na para bang kinukuha sakin ang lahat ng lakas ko.. i felt weak, nothing but so weak. At biglang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko, umaliwalas ang aking mukha, bakas ang mga ngiti saking mga labi na nagmumula sa aking puso.
Ipinaunawa sa akin ng Dios na noong araw na isinuko ko sa Kanya ang aking mga pangrap ay isinuko ko lang pala, ngunit hindi ko tinanggap ang pag-asang nasa likod ng mga pagsubok at katagumpayan sa bawat kabiguan. Ang lahat ng ito'y ipinagkaloob Nya sakin pero naging bulag ako sa takot at pangamba. Napakabuti ng Dios sa buhay ko!!!

And now, I'm praying for the renewal of my heart, my mind and my soul! Binabawi ko na ang lahat ng init at intense ng Presensya Nya na ninakaw ng takot at pag-aalala. Nasa akin nang muli ngayon ang mga pangarap na aming binuo na puno ng pag-asa mula sa Kanya at pagtitiwala mula sakin. Kasabay nito ang pagtanggap ko sa hamon ng pagsubok at kabiguan, ngunit ang pangako Niyang katagumpayan ang aking pinanghahawakan. Nananampalataya ako at nagtitiwalang ang buhay at kinabukasan ko ay tiyak at ayon sa Kanyang mga plano, malalampasan ko ang lahat sa tulong Nya at tanging Sya lang.

#RenewedHeartMindSoul #IAmFree #Hope&Future #DreamsWithFaith

Originally written on February 2014

"Padadalhan kita ng sunod-sunod na tagumpay,

parang mga patak ng ulan na bumabagsak sa lupa;

dahil dito'y maghahari sa daigdig ang kalayaan at katarungan. 

Akong si Yahweh ang magsasagawa nito."